Good King Jon
by Gavin Gunhold
Summary: A challenge, a warning and multiple parodies of 'Old King Cole'. The warning goes for the reviews, too, just so you know. Don't read them unless you're ok with everything else! Now with new and entirely clean non King Cole nursery rhymes in chapter 3.
1. Challenge, Warning

PLEASE READ THE WARNING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE BEFORE YOU GO TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!

o-o-o-o-o If you would rather just skip to the third chapter - know that it is rated K and will in no way burn your eyes. o-o-o-o-o

Ok. Now that that's out of the way, I have a proposal for you - a challenge, if you will. As a 'tribute' of sorts to Tamora Pierce's wonderful monarchs, I have spent the better part of a couple of hours rearranging the words to 'Old King Cole'. Old King Cole is a nursery rhyme, for those of you who aren't familiar, and it goes like this:

Old King Cole was a merry old soul  
And a merry old soul was he;  
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl  
And he called for his fiddlers three.

Every fiddler he had a fiddle,  
And a very fine fiddle had he;  
Oh there's none so rare, as can compare  
With King Cole and his fiddlers three.

One of the arrangements I made (and can show you without the warning that will come next) is as follows:

Great King Jon had a great big yawn  
And a great big yawn had he;  
It swallowed up the sun, and it swallowed up the moon  
And it swallowed up the Great Big Sea.

(I mostly didn't write second verses, in case you are wondering.)

If you can write some that are better than this (shouldn't be too hard!), then please do! Use any Kings, Queens, Princes, Princesses, Dukes, Counts, Earls etc. that you like and don't just limit yourself to Old King Cole. There are plenty of other rhymes and songs out there - Good King Wenceslas, for instance, has that whole bit with the King and the Page.

And here's your warning:

If you are offended by polygamy, incest, homosexuality, heterosexuality, or characters who sleep around, please don't go to the next chapter. Also, I make fun of at least two cultures (that I'm aware of - although not in a particularly offensive way), use several French words, skew canon character portrayals and mention poor singing. Some of these are funny, some are serious, and some are terribly, horribly cheesy.

I realize this is a little like handing people matches and telling them not to light them, but people, it hurts to be burnt. Don't play with fire unless you can handle it, please.

Sally.

And now, good fanfic readers, if you're still with me, I wrote you some Good King Jon.


	2. Good King Jon

A and B denote variations on the same theme -because I am indecisive and didn't know which phrases were (worse) better. 1 and 2 are for verses 1 and 2.

o-o-o-o

A.

Good King Jon, he donned his Juan  
And donned his Juan did he;  
He slept with his page before she was of age  
And he didn't tell his bride to be.

B.

Good King Jon, he donned his Juan  
And donned his Juan did he;  
He slept with his page and his mage and his sage  
And he slept with his bride to be.

o-o-o-o

1.

Vain King Ain liked 'les garçons'  
Liked 'les garçons' indeed;  
He calls for his Count and he calls for his Duke  
And he calls for a ménage à three.

2.

Every brother he cut a fine Boeuf (Burguignon au Vin Rouge)  
And a very fine 'Boeuf' cut he;  
Oh there's none so rare, as can compare  
With King Ain and his Tusaine cuisine.

o-o-o-o

King Jon Kong liked fried wantons  
Liked fried wantons did he;  
He climbed up towers with his mystic powers  
And terrorized the Yamani.

(the benevolent grandparent (crazy inlaw) version.)

o-o-o-o

Old King Jon was no man's pawn  
And no man's pawn was he;  
He'd throw you in the dungeon, he'd throw you in the tower  
And he'd throw away the key.

o-o-o-o

Great King Jon had a great big yawn  
And a great big yawn had he;  
It swallowed up the sun, and it swallowed up the moon  
And it swallowed up the Great Big Sea. XD

o-o-o-o

The Rogue King of Thieves, he took his leave  
And took his leave did he;  
But when he came back, in his place was a hack  
And no one owed him fealty.

o-o-o-o

Over Crown Prince Jon the girls did fawn  
The girls did fawn over he;  
But he flirted with his page (sent him into a rage)  
And they worried for his sexuality.

o-o-o-o

A.

Good King Jon sang a mighty good song  
And a mighty good song sang he;  
And when one of his knights proposed a fight  
He won a duel by singing karaoke.

B.

Good King Jon sang a mighty good song  
And a mighty good song sang he;  
But his court would smile and his court would applaud  
Even when he'd go right off-key.

o-o-o-o

Made it to the end, have we? Review if you dare XD


	3. Not about teapots Or mice

_Here we go, again. There are many different rhymes this time. In order: I'm a little teapot, Ring around the rosy, Ride a cock horse, Little Jack Horner, (very loosely) Jack and Jill, and Jack be nimble._

o-o-o-o-o

I'm the Emperor Mage, see what I can do  
My image sits out on display, but I'm behind you.  
If you should annoy me, you'll get your due.  
Can't catch me – I leave no clue.

o-o-o-o-o

Chant around the Chamber  
Fight until you're saner  
Hush-a, hush-a  
Don't fall down.

o-o-o-o-o

Take a tall ship to the Isle of Yamani  
To see the fair ladies in all of their glory  
Colourful silks and combs in their hair.  
Concealed weapons to off you afore you can ask, "Where?"

o-o-o-o-o

Clever George Cooper thought he was super  
At being King of Thieves.  
He'd cut off an ear to make his point clear  
And ask for the loot, now. Please.

o-o-o-o-o

Prince and Page (against all advice sage)  
Ride out to the Black City.  
Prince leads the way – his mind does not sway  
And Page thinks "My, what a pity."

The Ysandir ten thought the young men  
Would be easy little morsels of soul,  
'Til they joined at the hand with the Goddess in the sands  
And considerably upped the death toll.

No one since Page and Prince  
Have visited the Black City,  
But the Ysandir are gone – and so is their con  
And Evil is sooo (preeeeciousss) pretty.

o-o-o-o-o

Kel be nimble,  
Kel be quick,  
Kel run up to Balor's peak.

Kel runs fast,  
Kel runs high,  
Kel can't get there and back in time.

o-o-o-o-o

o-o-o-o-o

_And so ends another night of time (well) wasted. I like reviews - especially when they rhyme! XD_

_-Sally_


End file.
